Staring at the ceiling, my head wandering in its own world, a million pending tasks, but trying avoiding each of them, and some how explaining myself "It's okay you got time for everything just keep staring and enfold this peace while you can", however somewhere in my mind, some thoughts are running, What should I do next ? How to make the most of my time? How do I stay happy? Are they happier than I am? How to enjoy? Am I living the way I want to? What can I do to have a better life or at least portray one?
The anxiety to be the better one, to be with the better one, to be in the better situation all the time, I or people like me, maybe even you well, why aren't we satisfied with what we have? Why there is always the question what's next? Why can we ever be content? Why everywhere I go I search for something else, keep looking for things which are not there, which are not going to happen? I was supposed to love this place why am I not even able to stay? may be I expect more, may be I want more may be or may be it's the way this life works, the maybes never end.
It's funny some how, being someone who always wants to wander around, do parties, meet people but when that the time comes,these events actualize, when I am there in some of the finest clubs with prettiest of ladies obviously not with me, having my favorite beer thinking might as well have enjoyed this beer on my sofa with pizza and watch some movie, would have saved the effort to dress up and drive all the way here trying to get drunk and dance for no reason and regret the throw up next morning. Life is weird isn't it or perhaps the way human brain works, well I guess I would be regretting if I don't go either, thinking I would have surely got in to talking to one of the pretty girls there, would have got her number, would meet her at some place and she would fall in love with me eventually and we would live happily ever after, damn maybe the next party.
The grass is always greener on the other side, it might not be true but it's the way we actually perceive things, we being people like me, being in the best of the situation thinking what is missing and sulk about it, not seeing what is there ignoring every positive attribute around. might be having the best, having what we always wanted what we wished and dreamed but the moment we get that, why the search for the next big thing starts, why once we have explored it enough, why don't we value it, sad how we forget it was everything we ever wanted once.
The problem I suppose is we picture everything too early, we somehow live in that hypothetical set of circumstances where we have already decided what is going to happen, but when things don't go that way, when reality hits, the vague image in mind starts to fade away, we somehow start falling apart, start losing hope an urge to give up on everything begins, within we hear voices to drop it, builds hundreds of reason of reasons to letting go. But still, a question in mind making us hold on, "what if? what if things turn around? what if everything would lead to as I thought it would ?, which I guess is even more vicious than falling apart at least we would have learned the bitter truth may be the hard way but the right one.
Well, I don't know how to guide my way out of this apprehensive and uneasy bubble but let's just hope time helps me to grow I might burst it out, and start enjoying what life has in store for me what there and living and start reveling every day every moment while I can. I wish I learn to embrace that life isn't an ambition or an aim it's a previous piece with a fixed tenure post which it shall expire, every second expanded in cribbing is equivalent to every happy moment lost. I am sure sooner or later I would walk or at least crawl out and cherish every bit I have where ever I am and I hope to stay there and wish same for someone going through the similar muddle.
-Himanshu Narang
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